Still Waters

Bladed in arrogance my tongue causes more cuts than I care to bandage. Dismissive tones, condescending conversations, callous remarks are all deeply embedded in the framework of my communication. Wit and intellect make quick massacres of my surroundings. Too high upon my pedestal to meet people where they are I love the untouchable position of loftiness.

It is comforting, it is impenetrable, it is a force that allows me to stay untouched and unbothered.

Wavy and tumultuous the waters of my heart won’t let me be still. I’m to busy stepping over people to climb back to the pedestal I created on the altar of my self importance. I can’t love people because I’m to busy deciding they aren’t worth my time, my breath, and my empathy.

Arrogance is overpowering. It’s deafening. It’s painful. It’s damaging to those around you. These are all things I know but hear me when I say on my best day I don’t care at all. Arrogance is a bed I comfortably sleep in. I don’t have shame, guilt, remorse and on most days I don’t have conviction about it. My friends have either directly or inadvertently been victims to this brash, callous, demeanor of mine. Strangers have probably dealt with it more. Arrogance carries a tune that can only be drowned out with true transformation from Christ.

1 Corinthians 13:4 says “…love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant…”

My heart is cold and darkened in this area but there is hope. There is hope to grow in God’s love. There is hope that he will complete the work in me that He began. There is hope in accountability. There is hope in repentance. There is hope in confession. There is hope in prayer. I know this isn’t the cute happy ending God has fixed my life better than Iyanla wrap up you all would want but life isn’t a fairytale and sin is forever seeking to devour my soul. I crave sin some days more than I crave transformation because that is an identity I have mastered and get to cultivate all on my own. Holiness begs more of me. Holiness begs me to surrender myself in ways I prefer to dominate the throne of my own heart. Thank God for God and that I am not God because by God’s might I will be defeated and surrender shall come. Be praying for me and be praying for yourselves. The battle is not lost just because you’re in the storm. The battle has been won on your behalf and will come to fruition. Arrogance doesn’t own me, God does.

His timing. His will. His way.

- Jenean Elizabeth